The Perception of Brad(A Reflection)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the enormous amount of energy I invest in how I am perceived my others. It's not so much self-consciousness as it is a sort of ideological narcissism. I feel that I'm very confident in who I am as a person. I have very specific stances on very specific things which are often at odds with most of the people around me. So I walk this fine line of expressing my deep seated beliefs and not offending the those around me. As a result, I foster these images of myself for others. I am a Christian, but most would be surprised to know this, not because I behave in a way that is not in fitting with Jesus' teaching, but because of another personal persona I've manufactured. That is, that I am a passionate progressive(a term I adopted to avoid calling myself "liberal" which I pretty clearly am.) I believe strongly in social-healthcare, the right for each person to define marriage in their own terms, That the American people we're mis-led about the wars in which we are currently involved and a slew of other things that popular conservative "Christianity" (yeah, that's right, I put it in qoutations) would consider "un-scriptural"(as if scripture could be read without instilling our own biases in what we read). I'm not party-line liberal though, I believe in the importance of the second amendment, the sanctity of human life, even that of the unborn.(although their are important systemic/societal problems that must be adressed before the idea of banning abortion should even be considered, but that's a discussion for another blog post) So I walk a political tight rope most of the time. The image of myself that I try to project in this case is toxic to my sense of self-satisfaction, I am a writer, a speaker and a teacher. Expression is a part of me, like oxygen for my soul. I MUST express myself, what I feel, what I think and what I believe.
In the same way, I try to present my self to people as easy going, relaxed, steady. Unfortunatly I feel that I often come across not as relaxed but apathetic. This is really contrary to who I am as a person. I REALLY care about people, their happiness, their humor. It is SO important to me as a person to bring joy to those around me, to help others relax and enjoy life which is, sadly, all too fleeting. I strive very hard not to be percieved as judgemental, which I really am. Judgment is my greatest weakness as a human being. I try so very hard not to judge, to shake off my initial impressions and wait for a broader picture to develop. Judgement is so contrary to who I am, or perhaps I should say, who I want to be. Thankfully to balance this I have the gift of my ability to forgive very quickly, and the learned skill of patience. It can be difficult to portray the qualities I want to while keeping my extrememly judgemental nature hidden from people.
As I said, I don't feel that I'm self-conciouss, I know I have a lot to offer people. I'm not, nor will I ever be particularly good looking. This doesn't bother me. I don't feel like this is a nessecary part of my identity. What is, however, is the fact that I am VERY smart. If a billigerent person decided to try to get under my skin by insulting my appearance I'd likely laugh, and join them in pointing out my least desirable attributes. But if that same person were to insinuate that I lacked intelligence, I would become defensive very quickly. So, naturally I true to encourage the perception that I'm a person of above average intelligence. The problem is that I really come off as an arrogant ass sometimes. This is not my intention, I'm not out to prove that I'm smarter than anyone else, not individuals anyway. It is only my intention to stand above the crowd a little bit in the minds of those I encounter. Don't read this the wrong day, I don't set out thinking "your going to show people how smart you are today" it's almost sub-conscious, I just do it. Most of the time I'm not trying to do it, and ironically it is during these times that people tend to take notice of my intelligence. It is when I actively try to impress, that I end up looking like a jack-ass.
The ways in which I attempt to perpetuate a certain perception of myself really do smack of narcissism. I don't know that it is nessecarily a bad thing in small doses. It is exactly our ability to consciously choose to follow the better angels of our nature over that which is easier and more seductive, such as my tendency to judge that makes us human. I also think it is OK to seek a certain amount of affirmation in the things that we find to be important aspects of our identity as long as we don't cross over into the dangerous territory of unhealthy pride. Yet, the one qaundery I still face is how to balance my political and spiritual beliefs, which to many people seem to be mutually exclusive, with the need, deep in my soul to share what I think and believe with others. This is will be I think, one of the most important and difficult internal struggles of my life.